


Love & Poisons

by DrCHolmesLecter



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Destroying Childhood Memories, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Erwin needs a hug, Everyone Has Issues, Flashbacks, Friendship/Love, Levi Needs a Hug, Levi-centric (Shingeki no Kyojin), Memory Alteration, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Not Beta Read, Repressed Memories, Titan Shifters, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, my first eruri fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-24 23:25:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3788257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrCHolmesLecter/pseuds/DrCHolmesLecter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Let it pollute your minds, let it deepen your frowns and let it be told through years to come. I am in pain. I am suffering...I am not sane...will you listen to my story and learn from it or will you turn your gaze away and be paralysed by your own fear?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I consider this my first work for the SNK/AOT fandom and obviously it had to be Eruri because hot damn that pairing is beautiful :3 This tics contains a lot of flashbacks and non-con drug use as well as graphic violence (I'm afraid fighting titans aren't sunshines and rainbows although that would be pretty rad) 
> 
> This fic is not beta read so if you notice any mistakes please do tell me so I can change it :D
> 
>  

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love & Poisons Cover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's my tumblr if you want to torch me or discuss Eruri with moi xD~ levi-ackerbooty.tumblr.com


	2. Chapter 2

Flickering lights of childhood dreams; screeching sounds of naive happiness, shattered, torn and buried deeply in my mind as I pass through the tunnel of adulthood. Let it be known just how cruel this world can be. Let it be known how far this world will break its inhabitants but above all else, remember my story and me. Let it pollute your minds, let it deepen your frowns and let it be told through years to come. I am in pain. I am suffering...I am not sane but...

 

...I wish to live. I want to live  ~~save me~~  on. We have to survive  ~~save us~~  this filthy world for the sake of humanity...for the sake of your future.

 

So will you listen to my story and learn from it or will you turn your gaze away and be paralysed by your own fear?

 

There's one thing that's clear I cannot trust my memories. It's not so much of not being able to remember what I ate yesterday or being unable to remember the complex plans of Erwin but more of the inability to recall certain things as a child. There are fragments, mirror like images that plays back to me in the most unnecessary times, but even they don't make complete sense. The sun welcomed me with its blistering warmth, the cool wind ruffling my hair with its gentleness. I can hear them sing. I can hear them plea. I can hear their temptations and it would have just taken one step to give into their seduction, to fall to the depths of nothingness. It was so easy-

 

"You should sleep." 

 

I want to reach out to him, to beg him to take me away, to save me from myself and my insanity. "I've slept long enough." 

 

Erwin in all his complicated goodness sat next to me, his warmth ten times stronger than the sun itself. Please don't take him away from me. Just this once, please don't rob this man away from my life. Just this once. 

 

"Beautiful isn't it?" His voice filled with serenity and underlying pain.

 

"You're not even looking at the scene-" He makes a man feel so flustered, it makes me wonder just how deep that sweetness goes. "Idiot."

 

A deep chuckle resonated around me, one that made me focus my eyes on him and share that happiness with an unknown source. It's one of the things I want to protect from the grave horror of this so-called world. A world that's securely contained behind three gigantic walls, the very cage humanity built because of their untreatable disease, fear, the very thing that paralyses you, one that slows down the blood circulation to your brain. The one that forcefully grab your lungs and leaves you- Frantically. Gasping. For. Air. 

 

A shadow dooms over me, his perfect blue eyes aligned with mine, "You still with me?" He questioned with a scowl. 

 

My hands instinctively cupped his face, my thumbs attempted to smoothen that frown, "stop looking at me like that, I'm not helpless."

 

"Sure you're not" he whispered, forehead pressed against mine, "last time I checked, you still needed a stool to wash your horse."

 

"You-"

 

A short sharp pain resonated in my head, my eyes snapping up to glare at the source. Erwin's fingers were suspended in front of his shitty grin. 

 

"Come on, the new trainees will be coming soon, aren’t you a little interested?" 

 

“Not at all.” My gaze once again fell on the scenery in front of me before I tucked my fantasies away and face the reality that drowns me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's my tumblr if you want to torch me or discuss Eruri with moi xD~ levi-ackerbooty.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter 3

I clean not because I want to but feel the need to. The need to see everything in order: beautiful and clear with not an ounce of pollution. I clean because my mind and body craves the peace that courses through my veins when the job is done. I clean because I must get rid of the filth that infects this very world. 

 

What’s one of the best feelings in the world? To me, it’s seeing the sunrise after performing my, apparently ‘peculiar’ morning routines. Everyone here needs a hobby or you would’ve gone crazy ages ago.

 

The warm sun rays, the singing birds, the oddly shaped clouds and the droplets of rain on leaves, I don’t think I’ll ever get used or get tired of seeing them. They calm me in the strangest ways. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve lived in the Underground city for as long as I can remember or maybe it’s the fear of not being here to witness its beauty, either way, I want to continue seeing the sky for as long as I can live, at least then I’ll get a vague idea of what freedom truly taste like.

 

I don’t know what it is that entices me to the walls, that drives my body to be no less than a mile away from it, what makes my mind yearn after the world beyond it.  But without fail, I sit by its edge, my legs dangling down as if it wasn’t a fifty-metre drop.

 

"You should sleep." 

 

I want to reach out to him, to beg him to take me away, to save me from myself and my insanity. "I've slept long enough." 

 

“Levi, you’ve barely slept for five hours.”

 

“Like I said,” I gripped the concrete beneath my hands, “I’ve slept long enough.”

 

I could tell the man wanted to argue, wanted to lecture me about my sleeping habits but he was wise enough to keep quiet. Erwin in all his complicated goodness sat next to me, his warmth ten times stronger than the sun itself. Please don't take him away from me. Just this once, please don't rob this man away from my life. Just this once.

 

"Beautiful isn't it?" His voice filled with serenity and underlying pain.

 

"You're not even looking at the scene-" He makes a man feel so flustered, it makes me wonder just how deep that sweetness goes. "Idiot."

 

A deep chuckle resonated around me, one that made me focus my eyes on him and share that happiness with an unknown source. It's one of the things I want to protect from the grave horror of this so-called world. A world that's securely contained behind three gigantic walls, the very cage humanity built because of their untreatable disease, fear, the very thing that paralyses you, one that slows down the blood circulation to your brain. The one that forcefully grab your lungs and leaves you- Frantically. Gasping. For. Air-

 

“Why are you so determined?” My eyes carefully watched his expression drastically change from one to another, Erwin seems to be a master when it comes to controlling his emotions, matching it with the atmosphere of his surroundings. However, even I could tell my question had startled him.

 

“Because I have something I want to protect…”

 

Protect? Not to set free but to protect? Just as how I want to protect him, “Don’t we all?” I replied in a quiet voice.

 

_“MONSTER!”_

I tightened my grip on the edge of the wall, letting the breeze clear my mind, “Is that all?”

 

_“You’re a gift to mankind.”_

Erwin chuckled beside me, “is that not enough?”

 

I stayed silent as flashes of unknown people poisoned my mind.

 

“Levi?”

The unpredicted tremor in my body and the excruciating pain in my head made my blood coil in fear- fear that I never once thought existed. This was something I couldn't fathom nor control. Does this make me weak or does it make me human like everyone else?

 

_“A PLAGUE-“_

Next was the ringing, the continuous, annoying ringing that dulled my senses and made me clutched my head in terror.

“Levi! Look at me!”

 

I am sane. I am sane.

 

_“TITAN CHILD!”_

I AM NOT SANE.

 

“LEVI! FOCUS ON MY VOICE!”

 

Saliva dripped down my chin as I screamed out in agony, even the soothing voice of Erwin was overpowered. 

 

_“-GIFT TO MANKIND.”_

 

Would you help me if I shed enough tears and scream till I lose my voice and will you extend your hand to a monster you do not know? 

 

“Snap out of it! I’m right here. I-I’m right here…”

 

_“Big brother…help me” Isabel stuttered in fear._

The tears stung my eyes, “Isabel…” Erwin stopped rocking my body in his arms, “Farlan…” By the time the next name left my mouth, Erwin had already pulled away, his expression apologetic.

 

The needle of the syringe in his hand gleamed under the bright sunlight, “I’m sorry” he whispered as the sharp pain coursed through my body, the unknown pale golden liquid was slowly invading my very nerves.

 

Why was he saying sorry-

 

 

A shadow dooms over me, his perfect blue eyes aligned with mine, "You still with me?" He questioned with a scowl.

 

My arm instinctively shielded my face from the harsh sun, “d-did I fall asleep…here?” I asked with disdain.

 

“This is why I told you to sleep more.”

 

A sound of annoyance left my mouth as I sat up, wondering just how dirty the back of my uniform was. “You could’ve woken me up.” My eyes instantly flickered up when he didn’t respond with any sort of remark. It wasn’t like him, at least not when we’re alone. My hands instinctively cupped his face, my thumbs attempted to smoothen that frown, "stop looking at me like that, I'm not helpless."

 

"Sure you're not" he whispered, forehead pressed against mine, "last time I checked, you still needed a stool to wash your horse."

 

"You-"

 

A short sharp pain resonated in my head, my eyes snapping up to glare at the source. Erwin's fingers were suspended in front of his shitty grin. 

 

"Come on, the new trainees will be coming soon, aren’t you a little interested?" 

 

“Not at all.” My gaze once again fell on the scenery in front of me before I tucked my fantasies away and face the reality that drowns me.

 

 

 

If one listens well enough you’ll hear the hellish screams of our minds, the hatred that course through our veins and the helpless feeling that every single one of us emits through our eyes. I’ve seen people come and go, seen soldiers hold onto a little hope that they’ve contributed to mankind’s freedom as they produce their last ounce of breath. There had also been a time when I had questioned Erwin’s actions, questioned his sanity and humanity. He had coolly asked me if I thought of him as a monster, his question accompanied by a smile that made my skin prickle with fear yet his eyes were softer than I have ever seen. I believe that it had been that moment that I fully gave my trust to him, the moment I stopped questioning his every move because in the end, no one will remain in this world.

 

The sun was already high up in the sky by the time we had reached the training camps, recruits in full salute as they listened to the other’s introducing themselves. It was a relatively clear sky; clouds filtered the harsh sunlight that shone upon us, the heat a little more tolerable from the occasional gush of gentle wind. My eyes flickered to the distance, to the top of those walls then back to the lost souls in front of us. More body counts, more chilling questions till they’re willing to be killing, till their bodies are just as bloodstained as ours. How long will it take for us to pay for our crimes?

 

“See anyone you fancy?” Erwin whispered dangerously close to my ear.

 

“Why? Do you?” I replied with a clipped tone. “…pervert.”

 

The man had chuckled loud enough to startle the recruits in the front line, their attention quickly averted as another recruit screamed out their name and where they were from.

 

“You know that I solely belong to you-”

 

My brows scrunched up in annoyance in attempt to cover up the way my breath hitched from his words. Erwin always had a way with words…him and his sinful tongue. “Like I said, pervert” I quickly said before tapping my horse to move.

 

Erwin’s laugh grew louder with each step my horse took. Stupid man.

 

 

 

We fool around, play along with what the other’s say; it’s what started the rumours of us being together. One could say that we were far too lazy to correct them so why not continue? It gives the others something to focus on than the decaying bodies that surround them. Still, that didn’t mean that my feelings were completely platonic. Erwin, without doubt, is the epitome of beauty and strength, he’s the person soldier’s look up to; focused and respected by his peers. Over time, my admiration towards him blossomed into something poisonous; love. The very emotion that I have learned to bury and ignore for the love in this world never truly lasts, especially when at war. It creates twice as much vulnerability within the person as your determination to protect flourishes. Love is possibly the worse way to travel to your casket yet people desperately searches for it, even me. I want his arms to be tightly wrapped around me, I want to cling onto him with his constant reassurance and words of love to trickle my very nerves. I want to live and see the day his goal has been achieved. I want the two of us to walk hand in hand, our age visible through our faces, our lives told through our eyes. Most of all, I want to pass away (Isn’t that a much nicer way to put it?) with him by my side.

 

I’d like to think that we’re one entity even if it’s a mere delusion.

 

Erwin finally decided to follow me after two relatively long minutes, still chuckling. How he keeps his amusement to drag on for that long never ceased to baffle me. At least it was one hundred percent genuine.

 

“What’s the itinerary for today, _Commander_?”

 

“Well, _Captain_ , I believe our schedule is roughly crammed with long hours of action packed adventures” Erwin grinned at my direction as I nodded my head in acknowledgement.

 

“Ah! The beauty of paperwork” my head still nodding with a thoughtful look on my face.

 

“Indeed.” Erwin’s horse was now less than a metre away from mine. “But I’m sure we can take a little detour before we go back to the headquarters.”

 

“Lead the way” was all I had to say.

 

 

 

I could already hear the sound of rapid water in the distance; it was unfamiliar, strange and somewhat soothing. The last part might have been due to Erwin’s presence, not that it needed to be voiced out loud. We had abandoned our horses at the edge of the forest, the animals were happily munching on the grass as soon as we stepped foot into the ominous wilderness. 

 

“Careful, it’s slippery out here.” Erwin warned me as he focused on every step he took.

 

The ground became even muddier as we walked further into oblivion, water seeped out of the grass and pooled around the edge of my boots. “You know how much I despise dirt.”

 

Erwin swiftly turned around making an ungodly noise from the mushy grass beneath his shoes; his eyes resembled the eyes of a judging cat. It was bloody annoying.

 

“It’ll be worth it” he turned back to face the row of stones ahead of us, “trust me.”

 

One thought appeared on my mind as I stared at the path before me, Erwin already halfway through it. This was not freaking safe. The stones were barely visible as water flowed on top of it, the top of the stones were clearly covered in moss, making it even more slippery than it already is. The second thought was that Erwin never runs out of foolish ideas and no matter what, I will always end up following him like the idiot that I am.

 

“Why do you keep taking me to places with water?” I asked with a blank expression as I carefully walked through the path of death. Watch it be told throughout the years to come, Captain Levi and his slippery death. To hell with everyone if that becomes my legacy.

 

“I thought you loved water?”

 

“I do…” one last stone to go and I’ll be back on a more stable ground.

 

“Then I don’t see the problem-” Pain erupted through my right arm; Erwin’s deathly grip was definitely going to leave a bruise. “I told you to be careful!”

 

“I am! I was just testing you if you were paying attention” frustration oozing out from my tone.

 

“Sure, Lev.”

 

“Levi. My first name consist of four fucking letters, Erwin-”

 

“Shut it, porcupine” his expression indifferent as he pulled me up and away from the deadly stones.

 

 

Light filtered through the layers of leaves above us, creating heavenly beams of light that lit up our way. The smell of fresh water and unknown plants swirled along with the cool breeze as birds chirped all around us. Erwin lifted up a few vines before we stepped out into the open. The view that greeted me was beyond beautiful, the water from the lakes poured into the gauges, creating shallow pools at the bottom before it surged down into multiple streams.

 

“This is…” my mouth stopped moving, unable to describe the scenery before me.

 

“Beautiful?” Erwin offered.

 

“Yeah…” I replied in a distracted tone. I could almost feel my eyes glistening from its magical beauty.

 

Panic rushed through me as I heard a loud splash, Erwin not in sight. I glared at the sight of his cape, jacket and boots disregarded with no care on the ground. It took me less than a minute to fold them carefully and place them on a remotely clean rock. Erwin popped his head out of the water, a full grin across his face. How I wanted to punch it away to get rid of my irritation. Instead I found myself doing the same and jumping into the cold water in silence. Water is definitely gold, a bath even more so. It was a rare chance to hear Erwin scream out in happiness, grinning from ear to ear with his soft blue eyes twinkling like an innocent child. I treasured this expression of his the most simply because the man always appeared too serious. You can have it all, I am prepared to give you this world as long as he remains by my side. Do not steal this man from me. The corner of my lips twitched.

 

“You just smiled!” Erwin proudly declared, his voice echoing around us.

 

“Shut up, y-you potato!” I fully submerged myself, trying to drown out Erwin’s laughter and pushed my body to swim to the bottom-

 

_“Useless child.”_

My lungs felt clogged up.

 

_“My brother should’ve never brought you here. Titan child!”_

An immense amount of water entered my body as I struggled to swim back to the surface. I didn’t understand why Isabel would say something like that. Isabel didn’t have a brother, not unless I counted myself as one except those words had been directed to me. The ringing started once again, the painful thumping of a million drums soon fused with the ringing. It didn’t make sense and my vision was blurring with every fleeting second.

 

Erwin had pulled me out of the water, his clean white shirt sticking to his body like a second skin. That image soon dissolved as a group of voices mumbling incoherent sentences became clearer in my head.

 

_“My brother shouldn’t have brought you here-”_

_“Isabel…” Farlan tightly gripped Isabel’s upper arm, holding her back but it only seemed to agitate her even further._

_“He’ll kill us all! TITAN CHILD!” She screamed out to…me?_

_Isabel’s head rolled on the marble floor as Farlan stayed limped in my hands, hands that were bigger than the average human, hands that were tainted with fresh human blood._

My body convulsed in fear, my icy grey eyes hardly evident due to my diluted iris. “I didn’t kill anyone…I didn’t kill them!” I pleaded with anxiety in my voice, clutching onto Erwin, wanting him to believe me. “I didn’t…” A new round of pain shot through my brain, making me choke on my own saliva. I was surprised to see Erwin not pulling away. I must look disgusting. How can he not pull away from the monster in front of him?

 

Instead, he rocked both our bodies with a hushed lullaby.

 

_I sat in the middle of a bloodied corridor; grotesque bodies decorated the dull marble floor. The crimson red had already begun to seep through my filthy clothes. Blood dried under my fingernails and I watched it all with morbid fascination. I am a monster._

 

My limbs thrashed around.

_I am the being that these people fear._

My fist connected with Erwin’s jaw.

 

_Erwin carefully moved through the lifeless body of his family, he towered over me, eyes flickering to the broken remains of his younger siblings._

_Make_ “Make” _me_ “me” _forget_ “forget” he rasped out. “You promised! You promised me! You promised…” I choked out as an unknown pill travelled down my throat.

 

Whatever it was that Erwin had given me wasn’t created to work in a swift manner. It had taken almost an hour for my body to register the drowsiness and a couple more minutes to succumb to sleep. I’d find myself slipping in and out of consciousness, constantly pleading for Erwin to take it all away. There are parts of me that wonders whether the man had heard but there will be times when he would look at me with fearful eyes but fear of what?

 

My head lolled to the side. When did Hanji come-why was she here in the first place…where is here? I tried to force my eyes to open a little wider to examine the room but my lids refused to cooperate.

 

“We don’t know what it’ll do to him!” Hanji fiercely screamed out. It was the first time I’ve ever heard her scream in anger.

 

“Give it to me, Hanji, I’ll do it myself.” That was Erwin’s voice, even with my eyes closed I could tell it was him, after all, I’ve spent the longest time with that man.

 

Somebody let out a frustrated growl…must be Hanji, “just put this on” definitely Hanji.

 

 

 

I gripped the rough cotton sheets tighter and pulled it closer to my body as I turned away from the bright sunlight filtering through my window.

 

“Wake up, sleepy head.”

 

My body shot up in disbelief, vision going black for a few seconds. Erwin lazily sat on one of the cushioned armchairs in the room with a book in his hands and heavenly smile on his face.

 

“What time is it?” I frowned at the dryness of my throat.

 

“Just a little after one-” I must’ve had the most ridiculous expression on my face since the man let out an ungraceful snort. “Don’t worry, I cleaned up the place with Hanji and your team.”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” I hastily grabbed the glass of water on top of my bedside table; my throat was irritating me far too much.

 

“Levi, you’ve barely slept, I wasn’t going to wake you up for something so simple.”

 

“Simple? If it was simple I wouln’t be the one doing the cleaning around here.” Erwin seemed to find that amusing. “Plus, wasn’t the new recruits coming today? Anyone interesting?”

 

He appeared thoughtful for a moment, “a couple came from the districts that was attacked.” Erwin was already making his way towards me when I was putting my jacket on. The strip of cloth was swiftly draped over my neck, my eyes equally held onto Erwin’s gaze as he gracefully wrapped and tied my cravat for me. “It’s not too tight, is it?”

 

“It’s fine,” I answered with a hint of confusion.

 

“You never strike me as a person interested in new recruits or is your rank title finally getting to you?”

 

I playfully struck him on the chest with the back of my hand before pushing pass him to grab my cloak, “I’m not.” My body halted by the doorway, “Next time, wake me up.” I didn’t bother to wait for his reply before striding off to look for Hanji.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's my tumblr if you want to torch me or discuss Eruri with moi xD~ levi-ackerbooty.tumblr.com


End file.
